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The Freelance Metasnob
28 April 2010 @ 11:48 pm
Was thinking of putting this on my food site, but then was like "that's so stupid and weird and even a little awkward," so I put it on my livejournal, which is all those things all the time, so there's waaaaayyy less pressure to not fuck it up. Also, I have to wonder how few people in the world this would actually make any sense to.

Here goes.

Much like the levels of hell, there are levels of internet-naked, and while I assume that most ladies don't get past level 0 (i.e. NO internet-naked of any kind), I thought I could best serve the internet by providing a comprehensive continuum, (1)but I can really only speak to chicks. Dudes' Edition would have something that might not even be a continuum, I don't even know, and I am very happy not researching that topic.

The Eight Levels of Internet Nudity (ladies' edition)

1. Girls whose boyfriends have naked pics of them. He uh, better be "the one," lady, because even level one is a terrible idea. And not one of those "it's such a terrible idea that it could be awesome," ideas. No no, just your run-of-the-mill not a good idea.
2. Suicide Girls who intend to have day jobs some day.
3. Girls whose exboyfriends may or may not still have naked photos of them.
4. Suicide Girls who aren't very likely to have day jobs some day.
5. Lingerie models, but only the kind of lingerie where they don't airbrush the final shot.
6. Straight girls making out with other straight girls because it's hot I guess?
7. Porn.*
8. Porn that people link to as a prank.

(1) Okay, so it is a continuum, but one that is in no way fully comprehensive, I know, I know. Perhaps some corollaries are called for? Have at it.

(2) And it has a lot of sublevels and branches that I really really (really) don't want you to leave in a comment. Please. I will delete it.
The Freelance Metasnob
23 April 2010 @ 12:01 am
Today was awesome.

It all started out on the right foot. I didn't laze out of my involved skin-care regime, which is unusual because if I think I'm running even a little late (read: every day), I'll choose one of the following four, even though ideally I would do them all and in this order:

1. These medicated cleansing pads my doctor prescribed when I went to have my birth control changed (long story).

2. & 3. A squirt of what seems to be pure AHA mixed with the tiniest drop of jojoba oil.

4. Face primer. I dunno, I just like it, but I don't think it does anything really.

Anyway, I put all those things on this morning, even some lotion on my arms, and eyeliner for the first work day in um, a year, mascara . . . too bad my favorite skirt's hem fell out, but at least I had some clean pants. Then I left for work, even remembering my sunglasses, and realized I didn't have my phone. I came to terms with the fact when I reached in my bag and there it was. That alone could have made my day, but there's more.

So the line at the Dunkie's was short, and the coffee was made just right and it wasn't burnt. They even know my order, which baffles every other drive through window, and the guy at the window always calls me sweetie, and today he even said "see you tomorrow!" Good cheer.

I rolled into work at 9:20, which is appallingly late, really, but is earlier than 9:30, which is my mode arrival time, and it rounds to 9:15 on my time card. Everyone in my aisle is all "hi hellos" when you come in, which really sucks when it's 9:42 and you forgot your badge, but at 9:20, I'm issuing smiles and waves down the aisle, and even the girl who I think doesn't like me smiled. I was even so bold as to pop my head over my cube and say good morning to my boss.

The morning flies, next thing I know it's lunch. They had edamame today, but I wasn't hungry, so I sipped some water and chatted with my coworkers, and we made jokes. Staff meeting, more tickets, plans with a dear friend I haven't seen in ages. Thought lovingly about my sisters. I stayed until 6:30 talking to my boss and figuring out some data, we waved goodbye in the parking lot, and on I went to Heather's.

The drive from the new office to Heather's is all nice, windy and pastoral back roads, and it was raining just a tiny bit, and I saw a rainbow. Off we went to trivia, I got to eat some chowder and giggle my way through a cocktail, and all the questions were really easy, which is a welcome departure from Geography and Sports that normally kills our score. Homeward. Found some wedding catalogs and BJs coupons to make fun of. I mean, really, who needs a carton of Nesquick that makes 110 glasses of chocolate milk for any price? And what's with this lifetime supply of Raisinets? I'll tell you what, any supply of Raisinets is a lifetime supply, who eats those things?

And now it's now. My day is winding down, I got to do some writing, and tomorrow I can put things off til Monday if I want. All in all, it's a pretty banal day, but it's always so much easier to put the bad days in a funny context than the good ones, and it's refreshing to write something with little to no sarcasm to it.

But really, just everything went absolutely right today, and it's pretty remarkable.
The Freelance Metasnob
10 April 2010 @ 01:36 am
"You know, Olde English. What you buy at the Cumby's around 11:36pm when they're out of Colt 45s?"

"That dude on the phone sounds fat and sweaty."
"He's actually a short, skinny Hispanic dude. He definitely sounds like a Mexican Paul Prudhomme, though."

John Travolta is still really dumb.
We trained Trotsky to say please for people foods because we thought it would be cute, even though it really is a terrible idea.

We're getting married in like 6 weeks. The realization is hitting me that this big old pain-in-the-ass is almost over. I feel like the wedding is a complete non-event that is nothing but annoying to deal with, and because of that I kinda wish we'd just eloped instead of paying thousands of dollars only to disappoint my mother anyway. And if our wedding were any lower maintenance or cheaper, well, we'd just be eloping.

At least I can't be disappointed by it--in fact, it should be really fun, and given that I try really hard not to set any firm expectations, it just can't go wrong. But it's like I always said: I'm much more interested in the marriage than the wedding, so even if everything goes wrong, I kinda don't really give a fuck.

Also, I feel like I've been in hiding for the last year, and I think I liked it. Well I mean, aside from the seventy-five super-duper wicked shitty things that drove me to hiding in the first place. But so far the Spring has been extremely kind to me, and I think it's going to be just a lovely Summer. Here's to yours.
The Freelance Metasnob
08 February 2010 @ 03:44 pm
You didn't have to know Lisa very well to fall in love with her. She left schoolboy crushes wherever she went because she laughed and smiled and charmed the pants off everyone who met her. I'd say that someone dying at 26 had her whole life ahead of her, but she crammed so much living into a couple decades that she absolutely had a full life. She had the wisdom of an old woman who's seen it all and the enthusiasm and love of life that belongs to the hopelessly naive. She had a head on her shoulders, and I think that's why she was so lively. She knew that life was for living and made every moment worth being alive *for*. She always said she wasn't expected to live this long, but I always dismissed it. She was too alive! She had too much vibrance! She couldn't die, it just wasn't her style.

I think back to all the moments I shared with her, how much I loved her, and how comfortable I was telling her that, and I'm so glad that she knew how dear she was to me. When I picked her up at the airport to go to our last festival, we hugged, and sighed, and I cried. I was so happy to see her again, and I absolutely ached for her to return to Massachusetts permanently.

I have so many memories, and I want to write them all down here, but there's too many to list. We talked about how we had to start adding pictures to our facebook profiles so that everyone would know that we did all kinds of fun stuff with lots of friends, and so we visited a collapsed house and took photos. We had so much fun taking pictures in Iparty with wigs and fake glasses, at festivals, getting dressed up for parties.

The heaviest memory on my heart is how I met her Memorial Day Weekend in 2008. Six days later I was in her car, and Erin met us at her house, and Sabrina sat in the front seat. Fast forward this summer; she was the first or second person I told about our engagement in June. She found out the day of, before family, before even Heather. She told me that she had tears in her eyes she was so happy to hear the news. This summer we were texting one day:

Me: Lisa! How's things?
Lisa: Overall- fantastic, today is shitty, only bc i was ripped a new asshole this morn for a paper presentation, god i felt like a retard. Eh. Whatever - bruised pride, i'll live. In other news, i sooo love riding around on my new bike!
Me: Finally have a permanent job (with health insurance! And vacation days!!) but other than that same old. Still trying to find a place to get married at.
Lisa: Hooray congrats. =) i say vacation wedding!

And uh...that's how we ended up with a destination wedding. Which will be held on the third anniversary of meeting Lisa. It's so bittersweet.

Lisa, you knew I love you, but I'm not sure if you ever knew how much you changed my life. You just went and changed it again. I hope Lisa heaven is awesome, save a sleeping bag for me.
The Freelance Metasnob
14 December 2009 @ 11:39 am
There are few songs that can make me cry, and I'm not really the kind of person to make musical recommendations given the subjectivity of doing so, but "Emily" by Joanna Newsom is the only song that not only made me cry once, but daily for several months over the course of a particularly challenging winter a couple years back. While liking Joanna Newsom feels like a hipster cliche at this point, if you have a heart and a sister, I don't see how you couldn't love this song.

The song is very long, about 12 minutes, crammed with analogies and imagery that at first glance sounds so dense with meaning that it could be complete nonsense, but if you really consider the lyrics and give them a good think, some very accessible emotions and ideas emerge. The gist of the song is Joanna misses her sister (who is an astrophysicist, hence the discussion around meteorites) and wants her to come home. There are also elements of missing the homeness of childhood, and I don't know that any girl with a stable home wouldn't appreciate the message. All this conveyed over some of the sweetest harp music ever composed (imho) and Joanna's lilting, innocent and untrained voice.

BTW Meadowlark was adopted as my fake last name long before this song was even written, but there's something really sweet about feeling like I have some of the same verbal aesthetics as a major contributor to the psych-folk movement.

It's a lot to read, so I've bolded the lines that really speak. One ought to listen to the song to fully understand, however. I'm not sure if this will work, but if you go here and click on the link that says “Listen to Emily Now” to hear it—two links above the big red: ‘Learn to Play “Emily” with online video lessons.’ It's too long to fit on Youtube, so this is the best way to hear it from what I can tell.

"Emily" by Joanna Newsom

The meadowlark and the chim-choo-ree and the sparrow
Set to the sky in a flying spree, for the sport over the pharaoh
A little while later the Pharisees dragged comb through the meadow
Do you remember what they called up to you and me, in our window?

There is a rusty light on the pines tonight
Sun pouring wine, lord, or marrow
Down into the bones of the birches
And the spires of the churches
Jutting out from the shadows
The yoke, and the axe, and the old smokestacks and the bale and the barrow
And everything sloped like it was dragged from a rope
In the mouth of the south below

We've seen those mountains kneeling, felten and grey
We thought our very hearts would up and melt away
From that snow in the night time
Just going
And going
And the stirring of wind chimes
In the morning
In the morning
Helps me find my way back in
From the place where I have been

And, Emily - I saw you last night by the river
I dreamed you were skipping little stones across the surface of the water
Frowning at the angle where they were lost, and slipped under forever,

In a mud-cloud, mica-spangled, like the sky'd been breathing on a mirror

Anyhow - I sat by your side, by the water
You taught me the names of the stars overhead that I wrote down in my ledger
Though all I knew of the rote universe were those pleiades loosed in december
I promised you I‘d set them to verse so I'd always remember

That the meteorite is a source of the light
And the meteor's just what we see
And the meteoroid is a stone that's devoid of the fire that propelled it to thee

And the meteorite's just what causes the light
And the meteor's how it's perceived
And the meteoroid's a bone thrown from the void that lies quiet in offering to thee

You came and lay a cold compress upon the mess I'm in
Threw the window wide and cried; Amen! Amen! Amen!
The whole world - stopped - to hear you hollering
You looked down and saw now what was happening

The lines are fadin' in my kingdom
Though I have never known the way to border 'em in
So the muddy mouths of baboons and sows and the grouse and the horse and the hen
Grope at the gate of the looming lake that was once a tidy pen
And the mail is late and the great estates are not lit from within
The talk in town's becoming downright sickening

In due time we will see the far butte lit by a flare
I've seen your bravery, and I will follow you there
And row through the night time
Gone healthy
Gone healthy all of a sudden
In search of the midwife
Who could help me
Who could help me
Help me find my way back in
There are worries where I’ve been

Say, say, say in the lee of the bay; don't be bothered
Leave your troubles here where the tugboats shear the water from the water
Flanked by furrows, curling back, like a match held up to a newspaper
Emily, they'll follow your lead by the letter
And I make this claim, and I'm not ashamed to say I know you better
What they've seen is just a beam of your sun that banishes winter

Let us go! Though we know it's a hopeless endeavor
The ties that bind, they are barbed and spined and hold us close forever
Though there is nothing would help me come to grips with a sky that is gaping and yawning
There is a song I woke with on my lips as you sailed your great ship towards the morning

Come on home, the poppies are all grown knee-deep by now
Blossoms all have fallen, and the pollen ruins the plow
Peonies nod in the breeze and while they wetly bow, with
Hydrocephalitic listlessness ants mop up their brow

And everything with wings is restless, aimless, drunk and dour
The butterflies and birds collide at hot, ungodly hours

And my clay-colored motherlessness rangily reclines
Come on home, now! All my bones are dolorous with vines

Pa pointed out to me, for the hundredth time tonight
The way the ladle leads to a dirt-red bullet of light
Squint skyward and listen -
Loving him, we move within his borders:
Just asterisms in the stars' set order

We could stand for a century
With our heads cocked
In the broad daylight at this thing
In bodies that don't keep
Dumbstruck with the sweetness of being
Till we don't be
Told; take this
Eat this

Told, the meteorite is the source of the light
And the meteor's just what we see
And the meteoroid is a stone that's devoid of the fire that propelled it to thee

And the meteorite's just what causes the light
And the meteor's how it's perceived
And the meteoroid's a bone thrown from the void that lies quiet in offering to thee
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The Freelance Metasnob
29 October 2009 @ 10:26 am
Apparently having dreams is a privilege, so I'd like to give some insight as to the kinds of dreams I have every night.

I was living with Dano, Becca Lamb & her girlfriend (for the record, Becca is not a lesbian), in a hybrid of my first apartment and our current condo. The girls set up their room in the kitchen because we didn't use it anyway. Suddenly, there's flashing lights in the parking lot, crazy flashing lights, then an alarm, and I woke everyone up to leave. I spent a long time trying to find important things, and settled upon some book or other.

When we came to get outside I tried to get Trotter & John Travolta, but there were like, three of each, but I found that if we got one or two copies of them outside they became just one of each again. Very digital.

And then I woke up in a panic. As usual.
The Freelance Metasnob
26 August 2009 @ 12:44 pm
  1. Have a clear understanding of what you know and what you don't. It's okay not to know things, or even to have no opinion, as it turns out.
  2. Don't be all sure of things when you don't know, and admit you might be wrong.
  3. Be assertive when you do know.
The end! Follow in my footsteps and never be wrong again!
The Freelance Metasnob
22 July 2009 @ 07:47 pm
Wow, weird, I think I'm depressed.

Except unlike days of yore, it's not angry, weepy, cry-myself-to-sleep depressed. No, I think I've grown up. This is adult depressed. Responsible depressed.

For example, yesterday I worked 13 hours or something. Around 8pm (I left around 10:30) I was pretty happy I'd worked for so long. Dano isn't home this week anyway, and this would mean lots of overtime and also meant I wouldn't have to figure out what to do with my evening. I could just go to bed when I got home. This is not even sarcasm, it really is how I felt about the evening.

Tonight, I got home dead tired, but I have to stay awake til at least 8 or 9 so I don't wake up in the middle of the night. So I made a light dinner, then baked up a box of cupcakes and ate half of them without even feeling fat while watching cartoons in bed! I'm not saying that eating 6+ cupcakes is exactly healthy behavior, but if 14-year-old depressed me had the option between crying off her chunky mascara or eating six cupcakes with cartoons, I have a feeling she would choose cupcakes.

So um, weird. Depression lite at age 25. Now if only my house were clean and there were somebody to watch cartoons in bed with me.

pssst...I have cupcakes!
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The Freelance Metasnob
20 July 2009 @ 09:49 pm
danO!: "somebody" was just lighting off fireworks in the park behind my hotel
danO!: almost like "somebody" had found a buy-one-get-three-free sale at phantom fireworks near the pa border
The Freelance Metasnob
10 July 2009 @ 05:12 pm
My favourite part of the week is on Saturday morning when I wake up with Dano, windows awash with sunlight, and we sit in bed and plan out our Saturday. Chances are there's some party or something, but generally that's not til later, and really, nobody expects me anywhere before noon on a weekend anyway, so we have usually have a few hours to ourselves. This tradition started back in the days of ORACLE when Dano was traveling every week for months on end, so Friday night, sometime between 10 and midnight he'd fly in and text me and then we'd stay up all night catching up, and then that would bring us to Saturday morning.

Sweet, sweet Saturday morning. Saturday morning is always so rife with possibilities. Should we get up and grab diner breakfast? Perhaps we could go yardsailing or something. Ooo, let's vacuum today!

So one Saturday morning just a couple weeks ago, we woke up uncharacteristically early, about 7:30, and began planning out our day. And Dano asked me to marry him. And I said yes, and then we fell asleep til noon.